Dear Mother

Remember that one time
when you told me to sleep
under our small dining table
for i lost one book?
You said that was my punishment
since you have to work extra
to pay for replacement.

Remember when you hit me
for the Nth time
for not being our class’
top one.
I used to blame myself
playing more than studying then.

Remember when you
told me you had to pawn
my favorite necklace-
the one with a heart shaped locket,
when father forgot his responsibilities,
even saying
his sweetheart should be the one
taking care of the hunger
we are all feeling?

Can you recall that
one phone call
when I decided to leave home
when I thought I had enough?
Can you still remember each word?
You told me you still have
four other children under your wing
losing me won’t change a thing.

Remember when you can’t
wait for me to board the plane
saying, it will be such a relief
knowing I will be out
of your sight.

I never had any
mother and daughter memory.
All I can remember
are the screams-
all the anger and hisses-
each blow, each slap-
I never see you happy nor proud
of my sketches-
my musings-
my poetry-
my inclination to reading-
any of my interests-
calling them garbage-
and such a waste-
of time-
of money-
money we never had.

A tear fell as i write these-
not of anger-
nor self pity.
I long for your embrace-
the feeling of safety under your bosoms-
knowing you are there-
I can’t remember you even
hugging me-
Not once.

I long for your recognition
of what I have.
I don’t expect you to say
you love me-
I stopped wishing to hear those words
when i turned twelve.

Let me say
through this poem
how much i love you.
How much I am grateful
for your years of training me
so I can be as strong
as your chosen words
when I used to make mistake
when I was ten.

Thank you for showing me
that crying over things
I did when I wasn’t thinking clearly
won’t take me somewhere
more stable-
acceptable to your eyes.

I love you.
We may not have
the ideal relationship of
a mother to her daughter-
I will sure to use your ways
as guidelines how to
raise my own daughter.

Guidelines, mother-
guidelines-
I do not hope to read
another set of this poem
from my beautiful daughter.

Watering hole

#unprettySeries
#deepnightthoughts
01:14 30/04/16

Deeper and deeper into
this black watering hole
I’ve no intention to crawl
my way back up-
just yet.

I’m gonna savour the chill
of knowing I am alone.

I’m gonna memorize
each stain, each dirt
till every part of this
dark place will be
instilled into my very veins.

Melancholy is such
a calming place to be in
right now.

I am not coming back-
just yet.

Enough

 

I’ve spit enough words
enough to make you cringe
to make you bite your lips.

I’ve said enough profanity
that would make “fuck you!”s lame,
I’ve said enough to make you step back
make you reconsider
if this really
is worth your while.

I’ve said enough
hurtful things
that physically stabbing you
would mean a kind thing.

I’ve said I love you
and damn you
like it is the same thing.

I’ve said enough
to make me change my mind.

I’ve said enough…

I have said enough.

Never knew

I never knew that it would hurt me
this much when I heard
you do not know me anymore.

I never knew I would be this affected
when someone said
my name no longer send the same impact it did when we were together.

I never knew that missing you
would make me forget that
you were no longer mine.

I never knew that time wouldn’t make me completely free of you,
of your memories,
of our memories.

I never knew that when you called me that last time would be the very last time I will be hearing you…
calling me yours.

I never knew how deep
I have kept this feeling for the longest time.
And with just one dream
I’lol be pulled back
to my endless what ifs
my never ending should haves…

I never knew how much
I still love you until I heard from someone,
that I am just that someone,
someone forgettable,
someone regretable…

My Cassiopeiae

I haven’t been elated
Just by seeing someone smile…

But you,tiny bundle of pride,
do just that…
every single time.

I haven’t been so broken
that by looking at someone’s face
made me shed a tear…

You, our little queen
do that…every time
you cry.

You need not say anything,
I always wish I can take
each pain..
each tear
and turn them into
your sweet smile…

I thought I already knew
how much I am capable
of loving someone

Until you came…
and all the simple joys
all the dreaded fear
I had
just multiplied thousand folds…

I love you,
as much I tell them
to you every moment
I can, I know will not
suffice how much
more I still have inside…