Dear Mother

Remember that one time
when you told me to sleep
under our small dining table
for i lost one book?
You said that was my punishment
since you have to work extra
to pay for replacement.

Remember when you hit me
for the Nth time
for not being our class’
top one.
I used to blame myself
playing more than studying then.

Remember when you
told me you had to pawn
my favorite necklace-
the one with a heart shaped locket,
when father forgot his responsibilities,
even saying
his sweetheart should be the one
taking care of the hunger
we are all feeling?

Can you recall that
one phone call
when I decided to leave home
when I thought I had enough?
Can you still remember each word?
You told me you still have
four other children under your wing
losing me won’t change a thing.

Remember when you can’t
wait for me to board the plane
saying, it will be such a relief
knowing I will be out
of your sight.

I never had any
mother and daughter memory.
All I can remember
are the screams-
all the anger and hisses-
each blow, each slap-
I never see you happy nor proud
of my sketches-
my musings-
my poetry-
my inclination to reading-
any of my interests-
calling them garbage-
and such a waste-
of time-
of money-
money we never had.

A tear fell as i write these-
not of anger-
nor self pity.
I long for your embrace-
the feeling of safety under your bosoms-
knowing you are there-
I can’t remember you even
hugging me-
Not once.

I long for your recognition
of what I have.
I don’t expect you to say
you love me-
I stopped wishing to hear those words
when i turned twelve.

Let me say
through this poem
how much i love you.
How much I am grateful
for your years of training me
so I can be as strong
as your chosen words
when I used to make mistake
when I was ten.

Thank you for showing me
that crying over things
I did when I wasn’t thinking clearly
won’t take me somewhere
more stable-
acceptable to your eyes.

I love you.
We may not have
the ideal relationship of
a mother to her daughter-
I will sure to use your ways
as guidelines how to
raise my own daughter.

Guidelines, mother-
guidelines-
I do not hope to read
another set of this poem
from my beautiful daughter.